Archive for June 3rd, 2012

Being Non-Binary

I’m genderqueer. It’s something I haven’t really written about but feel like I should so bear with me whilst I try.

For years I didn’t feel comfortable in myself, something seemed wrong. I didn’t feel like a woman or a girl but at the same time didn’t feel like a man or a boy. The whole time I assumed that because I didn’t want to transition to a different body I was just being weird so just I ignored my internal disquiet.

At Uni I had a brief foray into trying to appear more masculine but it didn’t work for me. I didn’t feel like a man any more than I did a woman. Years crept by until eventually I realised that I didn’t really believe I had a gender. I didn’t believe deep down that I either was male or female. I thought of myself either as someone of a third gender or simply as genderless. As at the time I identified as bisexual I was aware of the T & Q elements of LGBTIQ. A lot of reading and questioning later I realised the term genderqueer applied to me. It covered everything I had been struggling to give voice to for years and stopped me feeling like I was alone in feeling that way. Speaking to other genderqueer people really helped me feel like I could be accepted for who I am. It also led to me finding pansexual to be a much more fitting term for my sexuality than bisexual, as the ‘bi’ aspect represents the false (in my opinion) gender binary.

Most don’t think I’m genderqueer when they meet me because I don’t present in an androgynous or butch manner. The reason I don’t is because I don’t feel like I’m both genders, nor do I feel masculine so I don’t see any point in going to lengths to dress that way. It still won’t reflect what’s going on behind my eyes. I present in a femme manner because my body shape lends to it and femme clothing fit’s well and feels comfortable*. Having hypersensitivity issues and chronic pain in my abdomen mean comfortable clothing is a must for me. It doesn’t feel like it represents what’s inside of course, but at least it’s physically comfortable. I also think there is value to challenging the stereotypes that appearing femme is a bad, counter-revolutionary thing in feminist circles.

That’s all I really feel comfortable writing about me right now so I’m going to leave it there.

Thanks for reading

* I don’t sew, nor do I have the funds to have clothes made for me

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