C-PTSD Flare, Stress & Compassion

I’ve been having a Complex PTSD flare, or EPCACE flare to go with the diagnosis on my medical records. Some new pills have managed to get the worst of the symptoms (somatic re-experiencing & full flashbacks) under control, which leaves me with some time to think about the other elements of the flare up.

Now the “keep reliving the moments of your life that were so terrifying you got PTSD” issues are better controlled, I’m struggling with stress. Stress is my achillies heel, I carry loads of it around with me in the form of my mental health condition. The stress associated with each traumatic event sits with me and I can’t let it go. I really can’t carry much other stress while I have to carry that, so anything stressful (including good stresses, like winning a prize) can easily overload me. I want to let go of that stuff, but I can’t until I’ve come to terms with what happened to me. Of course I can’t look at dealing with the abusive-ex stress without also having to look at the burning, the childhood stuff, the family stuff and, the gaslighting stuff. The problem is that looking at one of those things is about as much as I can bear, looking at all of them together tends to cause a complete breakdown as I get so thoroughly overwhelmed I cease to be able to function. It is like being re-traumatised again. They are all so massively interconnected for me. I hate this state of being, I wish I could be rid of it, it would be nice to dump some of the stress so I could manage better.
I want to not find my self overwhelmed with abject mortal terror the moment I click post on something. I want to not find expressing my opinions so terrifying I have to dissociate and let another, angrier part of me do it. I can see the vicious cycle it forms, angry bit says something controversial or rude, anxious bit gets scared and traumatised bit panics while I play mum and try to keep them all in check. Then I fail miserably because I’m so bad at self-compassion I got kicked off a compassion focused therapy course, and end up as a cluster of overwhelmed pieces. That last bit is a real kicker because I don’t know how to make it better. I frequently find expressions of kindness repugnant, cuddles, reassuring words, attempts to relax me, hands on my skin, all of them. Every abusive person in my life has thrown those at me to try to make me shut up after they had done something terrible to me. How do you comfort something that is terrified of comfort?
I feel like a disjointed wreck, constantly wavering on the edge when I’m like this. I’m sure it will pass soon but right now it sucks.
Love you folk xx
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