Archive for the ‘ me ’ Category

Leaving Abuse

[content note: this post covers my personal experiences with domestic abuse in some detail]

“Why don’t they just leave?”

“If someone did that to me I’d be out of there straight away!”

“If they were really being abused they’d run at the first chance!”

I’ve had all of these statements thrown at me and I’ve heard them applied to others living with domestic abuse. Aside from being generally unhelpful and blaming the victim for the abuse they are receiving, they are also based on a central faulty premise; that leaving domestic abuse is easy. For many of us that live(d) with it, it is exactly the opposite. It’s that difficulty that I’m going to discuss today.

To start with we have to remember a few things about domestic abuse; Continue reading

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On Cancer & Chronic Illness

Heya! It’s been a weird year for me, loads of stuff, a lot of it crippling anxiety and a complete loss of motivation, has prevented me from blogging. I’m sorry about that.

As you probably know, I’ve been dealing with chronic health problems for years now; chronic pain, vomiting, nerve damage, gastrointestinal damage, and joint hypermobility. I developed a hiatus hernia in September which was having some pretty severe side effects, so I had an abdominal CT scan at the start of this year. It didn’t just find the hernia, but it also found a shadow on my right kidney. I had a more detailed scan in March, and in April a very nice Urologist and a Macmillan nurse told me the mass was solid, and most likely cancerous (over 90% chance), otherwise it would be precancerous with a very high chance of becoming cancer in the future. They tabled surgery within 4 weeks, and got it out. I’m currently recovering after having a open partial nephrectomy and getting the 21 staples removed this morning.

I’ve been thinking about the ways in which cancer is treated differently to other chronic illnesses, many of which also have pretty depressing prognosis’s; Continue reading

Groundhog Doctors Appointments

I am so very, very sick of having this conversation with doctors;

Doctor: “We can’t do anything more for your condition without surgery. Surgery is not an option because it is far too risky. Now it’s just a case of finding ways to manage your condition, like pacing. Let’s talk about what would help.”

I get some aids/medication to help and I go away and practice pacing. I come back 6 months to a year later.

Me: “Now that I’m not focused on trying to find a cure I’ve come a long way in managing my condition. I’ve used [x] aid to help with pacing & [y&z] medication have really helped. I’m feeling a lot better and doing a lot more.”

Doctor: “We don’t want you to become reliant on your aids or medication! What would happen if you suddenly got better?”

Me: “…but you said that I wouldn’t and that we needed to focus on management now.”

Doctor: “Don’t be defeatist. That’s a very negative attitude to take. How is your mental health? How about I send you to see Dr/Nurse So-and-so to talk about other interventions.”

I go to see the new Dr/Nurse and then come back to visit my Doctor to get the results.

Doctor: “We can’t do anything more for your condition without surgery. Surgery is not an option because it is far too risky. Now it’s just a case of finding ways to manage your condition, like pacing. Let’s talk about what would help.”

IT’S NEVER ENDING.

Even when I point out how frustrating having the same conversation is it does nothing. Bah.

The Perils Of Being Emotionally Unstable

It’s 2013, January is steadily disappearing and I haven’t written a new blog post in a little while. I’ve been struggling quite a bit with mental health issues lately and it’s made writing on my blog quite difficult, but I think it’s time to give it ago.

Trigger warning for after the cut; talk of domestic abuse, stalking, harassment, courts and mental health

Taking my abusive ex-partner to court was a really difficult thing to do. He was being charged with harassment because of the following;

  • Kept standing outside of my place of employment and watching whilst I worked in a manner that was very intimidating given our past.
  • Occasionally he’d come in and flip out of control, shouting and making threats – eventually I lost my job because he kept doing that and scaring away customers.
  • After I passed one of his friends on the street or saw them in a bar he’d be there in no time calling me names and making threats.
  • He made a fair few threats to kill me and I believe he would have on a couple of occasions if police sirens (called by witnesses) hadn’t scared him off.
  • He kept sending letters telling me about things he knew I’d brought for my (ground floor) flat which he could have only known about by looking through the windows.

The police were very supportive and arranged for me to give my evidence via a video link because the idea of ever seeing his face again was making me break down completely, I’d been living in fear of it for so long. The court date was pushed back by the defence at the last minute and I spent another 3 months telling myself it would all be better after the hearing.

At the hearing I gave my testimony and spent much of the time in tears as I had to relive what had happened. It was hard as the magistrates frequently had to tell him to “be quiet”, “stop banging the wall” and to “sit down” which really intimidated me at the time. It was all going as well as these things can until I was asked by the prosecutor why I was so scared of him and I tried to explain it was because of the abuse I’d lived through. The magistrates stopped me and told me they couldn’t hear about any events that happened before a certain date (which included our entire relationship, criminal damage to my property, sending the police to my home for no reason simply to scare me and more death threats). How do you explain why you are completely terrified of someone who breached pretty much every basic human right you had until you no longer believed you were a proper human being any more, when you can’t say anything about the way they treated you? I couldn’t find a way. When I left everyone was very nice and explained that because of his behaviour in the dock, the two outright lies he’d told that had been contrary to other statements he’d made, the testimony of the witnesses and the fact they couldn’t find one witness for the defence he was finally going to get what he deserved.

After the hearing  I got a phone call to tell me that he had been found ‘Not Guilty’ and given a serious warning that if he did anything else it would come straight back to court and he’d be charged. The reasons the magistrate gave for this verdict was because I had been “overly emotional” given what he had done (that they had been able to hear about) whilst giving my evidence which threw my testimony into doubt. I was the reason he got off. My emotions were the reason he was able to tell everyone he was innocent of *everything*. I was branded another lying woman by everyone that knew about it and my world fell apart. Things got so bad I had to move to a new city. All because of my emotions.

So when I saw my psychiatrist and she told me that as well as depression, anxiety and PTSD they were adding a diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder I crumbled. Of course, that apparently just made me look more emotionally unstable because “the diagnosis shouldn’t have made [me] cry, most people find it very empowering”. It brought back all the feelings of pain when the abuse I suffered was dismissed because of my emotions. It made me feel like they were saying I was a broken person and therefore brought it upon myself/was over exaggerating things. I became scared that by my activism, blogging and tweeting was me unhealthily engaging in confrontations so I cut it right down.

It gave me time to think and to talk to those close to me about it. I have come to realise the diagnosis is clearly incorrect. I really don’t fit the diagnostic criteria at all. So, I am trying to challenge the diagnosis. It’s been taking up a lot of time and energy and it’s really thrown me back into a similar head space to that which I was in after the court case. In an effort to get past this blip I thought I’d write it down and draw a line under  it all. 

Job Hunting – Part Two

I said I’d write a follow up when I had more news and now I do!

I did apply to a service designed to help disabled people into work but discovered to my dismay that they wanted a complex referral from social services. Not having any idea how to sort it out and quite frankly not having the energy to do so I have not gotten around to sorting that out.

I have kept one eye on the governments Job Search website but to no-avail. The closest I’ve come to a really flexible job that would fit around my health issues was the mistakenly advertised “Babe Chat” position. I’m not anti-sex workers, but it’s not something I feel comfortable doing. I also don’t imagine for one second I’m exactly the kind of person that Loaded TV were hoping to recruit *grins*

I did start checking charity websites and looking at jobs within the Tribunal Service as well as considering applying to be a magistrate. Sadly I don’t meet the health requirements to be a magistrate, and the tribunal service isn’t recruiting until March 2013. Luckily I did spot a vacancy with a mental health charity, working about 10 hours a month, helping with quality assurance work. I applied back in November and was fortunate enough to get a telephone interview in early December. Just before Christmas I got an email inviting me to start training in Spring! I’m pretty darn chuffed, but given the wait before starting and the current economic situation I’m trying not to get my hopes to high – just in case it gets rescinded. 
I’m going to leave the job hunt there for the moment as I have been fortunate enough to find an opportunity that appears to suit my health condition as well as being physically & mentally accessible. I imagine I will have more to add when I have a start date and I find myself needing to deal with the DWP. 

Communication Barriers

I’m back on-line  Three months without internet is hard. Very hard. Especially when most of your daily contact with the outside world happens via the web.

I’ve been offline because we moved house, I now live in a wonderful little bungalow in a nice area surrounded by friendly neighbours. Sadly the council poured tarmac over our local junction box and it’s taken months to locate it and dig it up so that we could get our phone line & internet connected. Over the last few months I’ve missed a lot of stuff, the protests over ATOS’s involvement with the Paralympics, the Paralympics themselves and all the media coverage, party political conferences, dodgy TV, attacks on women’s rights and millions of other things that didn’t make it into the news.

I have spent a couple of months now dealing with a massive flare up of depression and anxiety which I realise was in part because I have felt massively isolated since moving. Not only am I physically further away from most of my friends, I lost my ability to communicate with them and keep up with their lives. When I can’t meet people face to face I, like many others living in today’s society, fall back on social networking or emailing to keep up to date. Without that I found myself really struggling. I started falling into some very negative thinking patterns and lacked the easy access to support and positive reinforcement to challenge them in an effective manner.

It’s really hammered home for me just how important the internet & social media are for me and (I assume) for many others in similar positions. Actually, it’s hammered home just how important the ability to communicate with others and feel heard is. Regardless of the medium used I feel it’s very important that everyone has a way of expressing themselves to others and communicating their needs. Freedom of expression is a Human Right after all;

“everyone shall have the right to freedom of expression; this right shall include freedom to seek, receive and impart information and ideas of all kinds, regardless of frontiers, either orally, in writing or in print, in the form of art, or through any other media of his choice”

These last few months have left me thinking about how easily that right is stripped from people. Those who have difficulty communicating in a socially acceptable manner, those who are bullied/coerced into silence through fear, those who are simply never provided the equipment or assistance to be able to communicate with others in a mutually meaningful way and so on and so forth.

As attacks on vulnerable people step up in our society it’s crucially important that we don’t forget about those who can’t join the debate because they are silenced by a lack of access.

Where Have You Been?

I’ve been rather absent from the world over the last month because life has gotten in the way of activism which in some ways is a shame but mostly it’s to be expected from time to time. Preparing to move house and health issues have eaten up my time and energy. Even with that going on there have been a couple of high points so  I thought I’d post an update.

ESA


I thought I’d start on a positive note. I’ve had some great news, I appealed a DWP decision to place me in the WRAG (Work Related Activity Group) for ESA (Employment Support Allowance) on the basis I am virtually unable to walk (or unable to walk without severe pain & discomfort). I sent in a letter quoting the criteria for the support group I believed I met, told them exactly which doctors letter confirmed it and waited to hear if it would be enough. It turns out it was! Now I’m in the support group and able to do as much voluntary work as I can manage. 


To me it doesn’t feel any different to being the the WRAG if I’m honest. My local Igneus branch (the company paid by the DWP to get sick/disabled people into work) didn’t think I stood a chance in hell of being employed when I was in the WRAG so they just left me alone to carry on doing little bits of voluntary work here and there. I am well aware some other people are not as fortunate.

Health


My personal health has not taken any dramatic turns for the worse over the last month but I have been caught in a rather naff flare up. 


For those not familiar with the term, a flare up is pretty common when you have a chronic condition. They happen when something causes the condition to get really bad for a few days or sometimes weeks. It’s not that the condition has taken a turn for the worse, it’s just that it goes through a bad patch. After a flare up it’s common to feel ‘set back’. A week in bed or a few days of not eating can leave you feeling weaker than before. A mental health flare up can leave you feeling rather rattled or exhausted for a while afterwards. 


In my case I had a pretty nasty infection for over a week then as I was recovering my bowel became twisted which has caused a lot of pain and discomfort. I’m used to having a twisted bowel, it happens at least twice a month and usually resolves within 8 hours of the pain getting to that unbearable point. Unfortunately this episode has been going on for 4 days now and is wearing me (and my Oramorph supply) down. Luckily the twisting seems to have only partially blocked it so far so I’m not going into hospital but I’m still in a lot of pain with it.


As a result I’ve spent the last 3 weeks in rather ill health which has really negatively impacted on my ability to do much more than moan about how unwell I feel. 

Netroots UK


I went to Netroots UK at the end of June to try and get some ideas for my activism. I was lucky enough to meet a bunch of wonderful Welfare Warriors and to have a chance to chat to some other people I’ve admired for quite some time. 

I left feeling inspired to keep pushing my local and political work as well as assisting with national campaigns where I can. I’ve spoken to a few people about getting involved in some exciting projects once I’ve finished moving house, if any of them get off the ground I’ll keep you posted.


Moving

I’m still moving house which is taking longer than initially expected because of my bout of extra-ill health and the house needing a bit more work than we originally thought it would. Still, we have done a lot of work and it’s paying off. It all looks far better now and should only get better as we continue. I’m very excited about getting in now, luckily it should only mean waiting 3 weeks now!

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